Thursday, May 26, 2011

Few things...

What is it the draws to your attention that pit in your stomach? I know of a few things in my life: driving on the highway and passing a patrol car parked in a strategic spot, saying something vile and realizing just moments too late that I wished I'd never said it (seek out my wife for examples), and jumping of cliffs or out of airplanes (I've done both...but it was a while ago). These are all terrible and gripping for sure, but there is one that supersedes them all: it would be the sound of vomit taking you out of a dead sleep.

Oddly, this last one is a fairly regular experience (about once every 3 weeks). However, considering the fact that many other patients deal with this A LOT more than us, we have nothing to complain about. So, "why write about it Doug?" The reason is threefold: one, for the Glory and fame of God. Two, for the encouragement of others seeking Christ as a refuge of trust. Finally, for my own catharsis.

Here is the breakdown: I am asleep at about 6am when I hear a few tears and some rustling about. I stay in a light sleep mode. Jada then cries out for me and simultaneously vomits all over. Then the tears come. Profuse tears. It is hard to watch - many times I have been there, sitting next to her holding the bag and rubbing her back. But this one is particularly difficult as she struggles to an upright position getting used to her newly casted arm. We pray. We thank God while praying that it is not too overwhelming. Then we clean things up. While she is still crying, she asks for a rag and cleans her face off. Finally, she looks up at me with those eyes... those eyes have been telling all kinds of stories for 6 years now. Sometimes the stories are full of anger, sometimes sad, sometimes determined - but at all times they are beautiful. This time, however, they are sad and determined.

She glances up and says, "Dad, I just wanna put on a new outfit." The picture you see is moments after I agreed and we worked out the details.

God has spared us of MUCH during her treatment and provided many blessings - and "many" is kind of like a baked potato without any of the fixings, it just lacks. However, God allows things like a broken arm in the middle of chemo to help us endure with patience. Colossians 1:11 says "May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy..." He allows vomiting and financial pressure, relational disharmony, and all kinds of things to help us endure with patience that we might find Joy.

So, as I put Jada in the bath today and we talked - those conversations are always so lucid - she opened up. She explained to me that she cleaned her cast with soap and water. Then, fixing her eyes on it, she says, "guess that's why Jesus gave us this (and knocks on the cast)." "What do you mean sweetie?" "Well, you know dad, to trust that He knows what he's doing and to read the Bible." "Jada, I want you to know without a doubt, that God does know what He's doing - the Bible tells us so."

Romans 15:4 says - "For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope."

So, where ever you are right now - THERE IS HOPE! It comes at a premium though.

Feel free to post what it is that you are enduring so that I may pray for you - OR just post that you'd desire prayer.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Forsaking and Finding



Ruth was a woman of principle. A woman of deep sorrow and pain, but a woman of principle. Read the story in the book that bears her name (it's only 4 chapters and is well worth your time). Naomi (her mother-in-law) was a woman that had every intention of helping others around her see that God had dealt bitterly with her, "Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, (which means bitter) for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full and came back empty..." Ruth 1:20-21. Now, if you read the whole story you will see the kindness and providence of God and how it ultimately steers Naomi back to his loving arms... a picture and promise of sovereignty.

But, for the moment, lets focus our attention on Ruth. In Ruth chapter one we learn that Ruth was married for about ten years and never bore children...they did not have the big debate we do these days. You know, "how long are you going to wait to have children?" One of the purposes of marriage (this remains today, yet is clouded by the Western ideal of "me first") in those days was propagation - so ten years of marriage with no fruit to show was particularly hard. Add to this the fact that her husband dies, so does her brother-in-law, and her father-in-law. At this point, Ruth could easily have said, "alright, well I gave that life a run and it was unsuccessful. Mom, dad, I hope you have a room for me, cause I am moving back home!"

Ruth, however, chose not to go the customary route and head back to all that was familiar, safe and inviting. Her heart, I believe, was aching for her mother-in-law who had endured the same losses as Ruth only from Naomi's vantage point they seem almost vindictive.

So, Ruth forsook her biological family - not in a "I'm done with you" sort of way, but more in a "whom else does Naomi have" sort of way. Let's be clear that Ruth was not acting as a mode of salvation to Naomi she was just identifying with and coming alongside her.

Ruth 2:12 states "The LORD repay you for what you have done, and a full reward be given you by the LORD, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge!" This is a pivotal statement in the book. The picture this verse creates in the mind of the weary is like that of an Oasis of Hope while in the desert of despair. Sometimes the Christian life is on those terms. You may find yourself grasping at straws praying, begging, hoping, that one of them leads to some sort of solace or refuge.

What exactly did Ruth find in her forsaking? Well, she found a hand of providence that seemed bitter if the end were not known. She found blessing in obedience. She found herself in the direct line of the King of Kings. Most of all - she found a REDEEMER!

I beseech you come under the wings of God for refuge. Not for the blessings but for the comfort it is to know He has His hand in every detail. This week our family had the joy of hosting, for a short time, Chris Koelle and Will Parker. Chris is the artist of the Job book (here's a link to the book for sale and Chris' website) Jada and I read in the hospital which has had such profound impact on our family. Having discovered Jada and her condition, along with the affinity she has for art - these two gentlemen made a HUGE effort that blessed and encouraged us beyond adequate description.

Jess and I may not be a picture of Ruth (in commitment or obedience) but Ruth's story of refuge under the wings of God makes for stories like these in our lives. Seek refuge under the wings of God, find a redeemer and be written into the story of God as one of His children and a co-heir with his Son.

Forsake Ease, Find Jesus!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Just my bunny

Yesterday marked what most would label a milestone. One could easily look at it and say, "milestone, marker, landmark" or any of a thousand metaphors - but pure and simple - it was a momentous occasion and cause for review in the journey.

Here it is: Yesterday Jada received her last scheduled outpatient chemotherapy infusion! This means from now until August she will receive chemo only while in the hospital and at that every 2-3 weeks depending on her blood levels.

The picture shows Jada at the very beginning of the journey we have been on now since December 30th, 2010 - the day of her diagnosis with Kidney Cancer. If you click on the image to make it bigger, you will read the text - Psalm 40:9-10. A dear friend made (thank you Tyler Thompson) this picture for me as a reminder... I thought this morning might be a good opportunity to unload that on you, the unsuspecting reader, what that "reminder" is.

Psalm 40:9-10:
9 I have told the glad news of deliverance in the great congregation; behold, I have not restrained my lips, as you know, O LORD. 10I have not hidden your deliverance within my heart; I have spoken of your faithfulness and your salvation; I have not concealed your steadfast love and your faithfulness from the great congregation.

To suffer without purpose or direction is to walk through life not knowing Jesus! To suffer and know the present comfort (one of the functions of the Holy Spirit listed in John 14-16...by the way, this is a great discourse on all the Spirit is - not what we make him to be) of the Spirit is to KNOW the salve or balm-like nature of God's sovereignty. Let me put it this way: how many of us will readily place our trust in that which will disappoint us, even in the short term? The answer, MANY - if not all of us will do this.

"My spouse would never treat me unkind, my kids will always respect my wishes, my job will always be here, I am well known at school or work and people like me, if I roll up my sleeves and just work hard then this or that will happen, we have set up a nice nest egg for retirement that will sustain us," etc etc etc.

The writer of Hebrews is clear that Jesus is the sure and firm anchor for our soul which will NEVER disappoint - the only one we can ever hang our hopes on and find them realized. From the very beginning with Jada God has given grace and mercy in helping us realize this trial is not about us. We have the happy tune of God's deliverance and salvation whistling from our lips - though there have been times of sadness, self-pity, and complaining. Since my first blog post on this new life of ours at the beginning of January, Jess and I have endeavored to "not restrain my (our) lips" regarding the deliverance and faithfulness of God. A simple fact Jada brought to light just yesterday as we traveled to clinic.

Each time we leave the house go to the clinic we spend the first half of the ride praying and talking through fears or concerns for that day. It was hard to keep the smile off my weary lips as I said, "Jada, do you know what today is?" She says blithely, "clinic, why dad?" "Jada, today is your LAST outpatient CHEMOTHERAPY!" The words dance off my tongue with a sweetness only Jesus can cause. "What do you think about that sweetie?" Three words that indicate the work the Spirit has been up to in her little heart rolled out, "God did it" she yells.

I look in the rearview mirror and ask her, "well, if God did that, what should we tell people?" She locks her eyes with mine and states with conviction, "we should tell them."

Clinic and the rest of the day went much as it always does... some screaming children here and there, no real schedule - just a lot of waiting, blood drawn, weight taken, height checked, heart listened to, crafts done, conversations had, lunch consumed (a celebration lunch considering the day of course), back home, played outside, shot given (Jada receives an injection daily to help with her blood levels), and finally, BEDTIME! I am lying in bed with Jada reviewing the day and reading a little to her. After prayer and a kiss on the forehead she looks at me and places one hand on my cheek. Intently she says, "Dad, did you tell anyone about Jesus today at clinic?"

"Yes sweetie, I did," was followed by a brief account so Jada would know what I meant. "What about you Jada, did you tell anyone about Jesus?" "Just my bunny," she remarks. "Really, what did you tell him?" "I didn't tell, I sang - I sang him a song," was her reply. "I see, what song was that honey?" "I made it up, it was about God being good."

You see, ever since the beginning our prayer has been for deliverance. Our picture of what that is has been eroded, destroyed, and rebuilt. We are learning always that just as important as prayer is acceptance. Acceptance of the deliverance that God, in his Sovereignty, chooses to supply you with. We have (and continue to) experience deliverance in Christ, community and confession.

In Christ it is the present comfort that his sacrifice and gift of the Spirit gives. In community our nuclear families and the church body have upheld and encouraged us. In confession it is the place of brokenness which has a twofold declaration: one, God's word is ALL we can hang on to. Two, confessing sin and ineptitude at every turn so as to trust fully in God's process here.

Will you, today, join us in "not restraining your lips" and "not concealing God's steadfast love" so that others will see the GREAT joy that it is to tether our hope with the ANCHOR of JESUS?

Ponder for a moment then, who is glorified?