You know how it goes - there is a big day in store, so you have this sort of inner-dialogue which goes something like this: "Heart, I know today is a big day and I know that you are considering getting all wrapped up in the difficulty or trauma that lays ahead. You may also want to feel a sense of isolation, as though you are all alone in the day's happenings. Don't! Be reasonable and whatever you do - please do not summon the tear ducts for aid in displaying the particular feeling you may be experiencing."
However, my heart is no respecter of these inner dialogues and the salty taste present on my tongue currently bears it out. I knew this. I knew as I awoke this morning that Jada was going to be having more scans - and that these scans are the ones which make me a little more nervous than usual. So there it is - I am NOT STRONG! I just wheeled Jada in to CT before she was sedated and she cried, looking at me with that desperation which I have become so accustomed to. I cried too. I leaned over her and prayed - whispering Psalm 46:1 in her ear, "God is our refuge and strength a very present help in trouble." And as I turned to walk out of the scan room - Jada safely asleep - I was reminded that my little inner-dialogue this morning was not so much a cry of self-preservation but a prayer for help (In an effort to drive this reminder further into my psyche - I write... N-O-W. It is the easiest way for me to process, so bear with me).
I had a renewed sense of the goodness and immanence of the Lord. Read all of Psalm 46 today and you will be amazed that on four separate occasions the author mentions the concept of presence leading to peace, stillness, and knowledge of who God genuinely is. So my heart rests in Him. Many are praying - there are even some that are enduring today in fasting for Jada (and our family).
So do my emotions just go away? No. They do not. I am still shedding tears as I consider her lying there and maybe more so because these are the scans which are supposed to reveal that Jada is COMPLETELY DONE with all treatment for cancer. I will further reason with my heart to consider the depth of truth found in Psalm 139:7-12 where the author wrestles down this concept that there is NO place one can hide from the presence of God. I can no more flee the presence of God's Spirit and be all alone than I can wake up tomorrow and looking at my body tell my skin to leave. It doesn't work that way. God is able to be called on; an ever-present help in times of trouble, BECAUSE He is near.
When in deep sin and disobedience to the Spirit - this works as conviction. When in times of trial this works as comfort. Right now I can conceive of nothing finer than the comfort of the Spirit of Jesus Christ the Living God!
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